Who do you want to be?

By Brent Loafman

"Down these mean streets a man must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor           afraid. He is the hero; he is everything." - Raymond Chandler

Sometimes, in the quiet of solitude or in the chaos of challenge or struggle, I have felt that annoying and familiar feeling that I'm not enough. That feeling that the Universe always piled up such overwhelming events against me that I could never be enough. That in spite of my efforts, I would never have control, never be able to lasso the least bit of relief from my labors. That all was for naught. That my family, friends and all those I knew would see me as a failure and worthy only of their distrust and scorn. Always alone. Worse, that I deserved it.

To a great extent, some of those feelings were right. The number of things that I can control are very limited and all of those on that list stem back to one person, me. My control is limited to myself and grasping for control over anything else is just setting myself up for failure. So the foreboding feelings of failure that I experienced were actually that rational part of my brain telling me that I was leading myself into unwinnable challenges. It took me decades to learn that lesson along with the realization that it wasn't the Universe that was piling up the odds against me, rather, it was me creating those obstacles through my unrealistic grasping for control. All of those things only set me on the path of isolating myself in an effort to hide my feeling of being completely overwhelmed. I chose to set myself apart from my family and community so that I couldn't, and didn't want to see, that I was choosing to be alone.

Though it takes effort at times, to change my choices, doing so changes my perspective of myself and the world around me. The good news is that it gets easier with persistence. Best of all, making better choices has taught me to love myself and those around me in a very real and meaningful way, that of service to communities around me.

For me, loving myself and others has lead me to the genuine joy of service to those I now love. Including me. The inner road that I still walk to the best of my abilities, just for today, has lead me to happiness and a feeling of peace that I value greatly, when I am being of service to others.

Gardenspot is one of the ways that can allow me to be of service to those that also desire to be of service to themselves, their family, friends, communities and the world around them. Have a vision for your road to service? Gardenspot can show you that you’re not alone, and may be able to help you find the way to be the person you've always wanted to be. The hero of your own story.